I'm going straight to hell... if it exists :)

Ok... So as long as I am disappointing and pissing off everyone I know I might as well look like a jerk in the eyes of people I do not know as well! Truth be told, I haven't made up my mind entirely on this, but I have a rather odd question to ask...

Why are we required to feel pity for disabled and mentally fuckedupterized people when they participate in activities and do a terrible job by the standards given? Is it for TV ratings? Is it just because some people get off on making us feel like shit? Should we be gloriously happy that we come close to being "normally abled"? Society attempts to hold them to the standards of the majority when the commit a crime, they have to prove that their mental status does not allow them to function as the majority does. On the other hand, they can work at Wal-Mart, show up late, not do their job, and say anything that they want to and you can't complain because of their mental facility. I know there is an entire ethical debate about how to deal with any group of people on a society, to protect the rights of individuals, but also forward the society as a whole, but I am sick to fucking death of everyone and every stupid sub group you can invent wanting it both ways.

I know a couple of women who are big into the women's lib movement. I personally think that the time of a single income family are long gone and I would never date or (ugh) marry some chick that didn't have any aspiration to have a job. However, I hung out with one such woman who gave me all kinds of shit when I didn't hold a door open for her because I didn't want to offend her, then she called me an unchivalrous bastard. Next time we hung out I held the door, and she yelled at me again! "I don't need some man to hold a door for me, I can do it myself!" Well fuck you bitch! I can treat you like you should be treated, (as an equal human being capable of 95% of the shit I can do, cause I can't have a kid or bleed for a week without dying) or I can act like some 1950's asshole and buy you a vacuum for your birthday. I would never do that, but you get my point.

One brief political thingy that falls roughly into the discussion... How is it that this cat makes a couple thousand you tube video's calling for death and destruction to reign down upon all kinds of political people is allowed UNTIL he takes aim at a Republican? The past couple weeks have been full of all kinds of shit storms and death threats to families and political cats. The only one to be arrested for anything less than physical assault is this guy once he finally makes an video about a Republican. We were branded as unpatriotic and called terrorists by the right when we opposed the Iraq war. Whenever we disagreed with Bush, we were worried about being attacked for being un-American. Now when people complain about the President and threaten him and twitter how they would shoot him if they had the chance, it is free speech and they are heralded as heroes. Seems a little lopsided to me. I support free speech, hell I was one of those assholes sitting in the desert in 2003 that didn't figure out it was bullshit until I was home for a couple months, I support a lot of what our military does and is supposed to stand for. (at least the Marines :) ) If you don't like the government, go fucking vote bitches. I swear to anything you hold holy, the next hippie I hear whine about the way the government runs after telling me they don't vote is going to be gutted like a fish with a dull rusty spoon in a very cold place... possibly with piranha's. Things are not bad enough to resort to plotting to kill police officers or threatening congress persons' families with fucking snipers. Enough people didn't like the way Bush and the right were running things so they voted in the left across the board, if you don't like it now, go vote other people in. In theory, this is a democracy, not every swinging dick (not sexist, I mean everyone, just like the term) is going to be thrilled about every decision made on government.

Enough politics, I would like to head along a different line so I guess I might as well give a brief update on the whole me thing, since it is my blog I am going to talk about myself a little bit :p

The V.A. thing isn't going so well, I received some work safety glasses and a scrip I took for regular ones as well, I will post a pic with them in the next entry. I finally settled in with a shrink (some kind of behavioral social worker) who is supposed to be my main cat. I will only see him once every other month it seems so I fail to see the point, but he is supposed to be sending me to a psychiatrist for a scrip to deal with me "severe anxiety, depression, and OCD" as well as to get me to stop smoking. Dude, the doctor even told me not to stop smoking yet because I would become too much of an asshole until I was dealt with by the shrink, thanks for that little "pick me up"! They also put me on blood pressure meeds although they think that is mostly due to genetics and stress, but how stressed can I be when I am trying to work full time, go to school, be in two bands, find a place to live, not alienate my girlfriend, pay my bills, worry that I may be crazy by medical standards, and worry about the zombie apocalypse?

The band is the band, been almost a year now, so the drama shit is starting to come out, fuck me. Sometimes it is so goddamned annoying I would rather nail my dick to a burning building. The double talk and bullshit is enough to drive you mad. The cover band will kick back into gear next month so that will be nice, that one is a good and fun time still. I haven't managed to drive the girlfriend away yet, I know! I'm as surprised as you are! I do question the sanity of someone who live in the vicious hell hole of a 9 month sunless winter in Buffalo, NY, and is about as pale as Casper would be if he were a vampire with Aids in addition to being a ghost when they go tanning in Vegas with no sunscreen.

I shall close for now, tried to make it short and coherent, but I failed again, I should take a couple of writing classes to help me out with this crap. Haver a fun and safe week everyone, remember that Atheist people are just as moral if not more then the churchy folk. Have fun remembering the zombie cannibal this Sunday by colouring eggs and dressing like rabbits and eating butter shaped like a lamb. Don't get arrested, but come close so I get some good stories back!

Cheers,

Moriartty

Way to put your foot in your mouth American public (The serious post, hopefully the last)

22 March, 2010

New, not so notable, somewhat serious, and contemplative. (Sorry, this probably won’t have any laughs in it, deal with it, Hippies)

Let me begin with reaffirming my hatred of politics and both of the major parties, especially the extremists housed in both and more notably the similarities between the hardcore right and the Taliban. I fucking hate them all and wish they would all just shut the hell up and get on with trying not to send this country spiraling into the seventh circle of hell. If you don’t know what Socialism, Marxism, Communism, or Fascism is, shut your inbred redneck ass the shit up. If you are so liberal that you would stand by and watch a gang on hairy Russians punch-fuck your wife and then serve them lemonade, shut your hippie ass up and cut your goddamned hair. I tried to stay out of politics with this blog as much as I could because it only starts fights and I am sure at least a couple of my regular readers are righties and I think I know who the hard leftie is, I have to go into it a bit, I will try to be un biased, but I am a slightly liberal atheist cat. I also use run on sentences, there are plenty more entertaining and educated sites to read and I won’t be hurt of you leave now.

My point… ah yes, I was listening to the news on the way home from work and they were talking about what happened Saturday in Washington DC. As some of the Democrat dudes were walking by the Tea Party protesters, they were spit at/on and called nigger’s and faggot’s as well as communists and a slew of other names. Now, I try to be a literal person as much of the time as I can be. I find humour in a lot of things others think is abhorrent, but this shit just pissed me off. The right wing and these tea bagging fucks tout all these religious (Protestant and Catholic predominately if I am not mistaken) morals and values and all the Jebus jive about tolerance, acceptance, and peace. (I’ll save the atheist rant for another time as many more can do it better than I anyway.) I do find it funny that the peace loving tolerant religious people are threatening to assassinate the president and members of Congress and the Senate, I do not find the actual threats funny at all, it is vile and illegal. I support the right to free speech and freedom of religion with all my sense of being, if you want a revolution, do it, stop whining and crying and do it, you have the right to protest peaceably. It is a fine and weird line and maybe I sound dualistic on this, but I think I know what I mean here.

I am not a huge fan of the government most of the time and I guess most American’s are not proponents of federal interaction in their personal shit. Seems to be the prevailing thought in the States. That being said, it was left to the “free market” and they fucked it up royally, not going to blame one party or the other because they are both full of fuck-tards. It needs to be fixed and if the individual states will or cannot and the “free market” keeps dragging us down, what other options have we left? I am not a huge fan of this new healthcare bill, there seems to me at least some problems not addressed and I don’t have a lot of faith that it will be worked on or cared about much now that it is passed, I worry mainly that now that people are required by law to have insurance, just like the laws dealing with car insurance in some states, at least here in New York, but there is nothing to stop the insurance companies from jacking prices every year like they are doing now. At least not that I have seen or heard yet. (My disclaimer goes here that I have not done a lot of research on this as of yet, so feel free to correct me and contact me to discuss this crap as long as you have valid points and evidence, no talking points or bullshit lines from either the left or right will be answered. Ex). Death panels, increasing deficit, etc.) It is good that they will not be able to deny as many people coverage and kick them off after years of paying once they finally need the damn insurance, though there will be scores of lawyers pouring through books to find the loopholes in this shit, I can promise you that. I also have a question for everyone, maybe it is just a coincidence or maybe I figured it out and I should be running things, just kidding. Anyway, how come it seems that regardless of education, how come people in higher paying jobs more often than not seem to be Republican? I am not saying all or that anyone is smarter, I personally think that more Democrats are better rational/critical thinkers and know many Democrats with degree’s/phd’s and very high paying jobs.

I think the entire thing all boils down to one issue that has not changed since the founding of the United States of America. The amount of federal fucking with of our personal lives. Everything seems to stem from this, it has been spun into corporatism running the right, they seem like they wont be happy until an oil company is president, and the left that seems to be quite the opposite. I think it is safe to say that it appears to be the case that American’s on the average have a problem with authority. We like to break rules and push things as far as we can rather than “go with the flow”. It has done some pretty cool shit for us as a society and for the human race as a whole in matters of new technology and the like. The problem arises when we are left to our own devices and we fuck it up, how do we fix it? How do we turn around a society based on all this tomfoolery, bribery, and bullshit? Can we even fix it at this point or are we doomed to run aground? I remember from some of my philosophy readings that Democracy was said to be the 4^th worst out of the 5 forms of government, descending into tyranny eventually. I don’t want to discuss the truth of this as it was only one dude’s opinion, but it seems to be the case that it has happened before and may happen here. How it didn’t under the Bush presidency is almost a shock to me, and I don’t see it happening with Obama, but this country is in a bad place currently. There are stirrings of movements that are similar to countries that had dictators and tyrant’s come to power. We are a nation founded by immigrants and outcasts who wanted something better for themselves and their children. It is time we stopped bitching about what our neighbor looks like, who they are attracted to, how we can have more shiny possessions than them, and what they believe happens after they die and start trying to help one another out and make decisions that are based on making things better for everyone, not just you. It seems to me that a democracy is majority rule, sometimes you will not get what you want, tough shit, life sucks, get a fucking helmet.

The last touchy subject I want to touch on today is immigration, I have mixed feelings about this, but I at least want to mention something I found amusing. On the radio Friday, I was listening to an illegal alien on talking about why he came here. While I am not against people coming here to get away from bad things, there is a right way to do it. We have this nifty little deal called political asylum, just for people like that. If you want to come here, all I ask is that you do it the right way, While a lot of illegal’s work and pay into social security as they work under “false” social security numbers and they more often than not do jobs most of us would never want to do, it is still wrong on some level. Not really getting into all that now, just wanted to mention that this retard is bragging about how he will be at some rally with a shit load of other illegal aliens protesting for more rights that they believe they are entitled to. This guy is on national news telling everyone he is here illegally and will be in a certain place at a certain time. He is just begging INS to come and pick through that crowd, serves him right. It also seems kind of narcissistic to walk into a place you don’t have a legal right to be and make demands as to how you wish to be treated, nowhere else in the world would this be tolerated. I certainly couldn’t sneak into another country or even another state and demand rights or money. Not to put Canada on the spot cause I like that place a lot and would like to move there eventually, but they won’t let U.S. citizens just come there and stay, they even made it a point to say they are pretty damn close to shutting their borders to us so we can’t flock there when this place goes down the tubes, I heard Denmark was the same way. No one wants us, the few of us left that aren’t greedy, self absorbed, maniacal retards that just want a decent life are stuck here getting pulled down and labeled like the few morons that make the news and the rest of the world see’s on TV. I have friends in other countries that are amazed at what they see on TV about the States and then even more shocked to find out I am not some jerk off and “Arrogant American”. I take pride in that, and I hope to change a few minds if I can. We aren’t all bad people.

At least I am not as bad as the pricks that leave the price tags on their clothes, hats, or cars. This is one group of people that really grinds my gears. No one thinks your cool because you paid three times as much for your car that does the same goddamned job that my hunk does. Get over yourself and clean off the fucking window so you don’t cut me off and run me off the road because you can’t see though the price sticker. Besides, you are probably too busy talking on your damn phone while driving, probably telling all of your fuck-tard friends how sweet your new whip is. If you cut me off, I’ll probably just hit you, the accident will be your fault and you stand to lose much more by fucking your car up than I doJ. My car already has a couple dings, (Thank you, you non driving ex girlfriend who shall remain nameless… yes, turning the wheel makes the car go to the side, not straight back! Holy shit!!!) one more won’t hurt my feelings. Besides, after you pull over, there is a good chance I will drag you out of your car through the window and beat your teeth out with your cell phone before ramming it down your fucking throat.

Ok, this is way too long so I will stop here and take my leave for the evening. Have a good week, try not to go too crazy and have some fun without getting tossed in the clink.

Cheers,

Kris

alcohol abuse or proactive anxiety prevention part 3. READ PART'S 1 AND 2 FIRST

This is a pic of my bassist and I from the photo shoot, thought it was cool.

Onto to random jive, this should be easier than a retarded stripper with amnesia, I have notes;)

I have been wondering why it is that children, more often the women folk, seem to be hitting puberty earlier with every generation. Rather than blame the government for the food additives and shit like that, the first place I went was to wonder if it could ever get so bad that if you fucked your wife while she was pregnant if the kid could be born pregnant. I header a story that supposedly came from ABC that a woman that had a fucked up jive slice and could't shag or something like that, swallowed a load, and then sometime later was stabbed in the stomach and somehow the boys got into her shit and knocked her up due to the knife wound and what it did. This world is as fucked up as the people in it.

The Large Hadron Collider is about to do some wicked shit and I am pumped! I hope it disproves the existence of god once and for all, then maybe the wars can stop. Or... it may create a black hole or something even worse that wipes out humanity or the entire to the known and unknown in the blink of an eye. I say fire it up, I don't think they would do it if they thought it really would destroy the entire universe.

I heard on the news that Maryland was considering outlawing the marrying of first cousins. Now I support gay marriage, if they want to have the rights hetero's do, they should be entitled to them, cause they get all the bad shit too, divorce, in-laws, etc... Now I may sound dualistic or even hypocritical by saying this, but NO FUCKING SHIT!!! You don't marry a first cousin you retarded redneck fuck! Inbreeding is not cool, the kids suffer, and I am not down with people suffering from the stupidity of others when they have no say in the matter. Maybe it's just cause the only cousins I have met are ugly... Someone compared these two thing, but I think they are two separate issues. You don't get to choose your sexuality (unless your hammered, haha!) You can choose whether or not you are going to make a window licker kid in some aspects, like fucking your close blood relatives, that can be avoided.

This next section is for the fairer sex, I overheard a chick on break at school tonight freaking out cause she liked some dude. They are not dating, but she is pissed cause he fucked some broad and he should know that she likes him. It took a lot not to walk over to her and explain the world to her, but she is still young with hopes and dream so I let her go. Lesson #1. If we aren't dating you we will fuck whoever we damn well please unless there is some agreement in place that specifically denies that kind of action, and it won't happen without you putting out. Do not ever give a guy shit for shagging some chick cause you like him but won't ask him out or won't date him, your fault and your problem. If he broke the rules or you are together and he fucks around, cut his balls off and teach him a lesson, then punch the other cunt right in the ovaries, chicks always know that a guy is cheating, guys sometimes don't, whether due to their own purposeful ignorance, or being lied to. Guys are too dumb and vocal about shit, most chicks I know are much more secretive and cunning when it comes down to it, it really is a surprise that women don't rule the world. They probably do, but just let guys thunk they are in charge half the time, hahaha!

I was kind of watching tv the other night, not really paying attention cause I was reading the news online, but I thought I saw a suckers jam commercial that seemed to imply that the kid(s) in the commercial knew how to read because they ate this product. Are you fucking kidding me?! I think advertising and marketing people should be placed in a burlap sack after being skinned and thrown into a vat of salt water while people stand around and piss on them.

I tried the Google Buzz thing, what a waste, aside from being a major invasion of privacy, it was just dumb, I turned it off and urger you all to do the same if you have a Gmail account. I love Gmail and use a lot of it's jive, my phone is fully integrated with Google and it rocks, but the buzz thing just sucks, I hate facebook and myspace enough, this is just the worst thing ever. And this is for Spanky, if she is reading, what the FUCK is linkedin? You sent me the invite and I accepted and did some of the preliminary shit for it, but I have no clue what it is and what purpose it serves, hope it helped you by accepting, but please give me a bit of info on that whole thing.

Tammy and Red, hope I didn't wig you out or creep you out with my texts on Saturday, was in a real fucked up place, and I tried talking to a couple buddies who tried to make a joke out of it so I was just looking for soon to yak at for a bit. I was on the beer and not in the best of places.

The band is starting to piss me off royally. One thing is said at practice or decided, and then off the record during the week, shit goes down and deals get made with two of the three, or things get said that the third shouldn't hear and it is getting annoying. Either you are in or out and in for a certain purpose, no reason to grand stand or talk shit. With the funk I have been in since November, I really am about ready to tell them all what they can do about it, but then again I just spent about 2000 on making my drums sound better for being in a metal band and upgrading gear and still have more to go next time I get an infusion of cash, I hope I am not wasting my time and effort. I worry about money and touring and losing my apartment and job like the rest of them, even though they both live at home. They pay their share of the bills, but when push comes to shove, I will be the only one homeless, jobless, and carless after tour.

My lease ends in April, I have a place picked out I want to live, just need a roommate to do it. I don;t make enough to live on my own in a place I would be ok with moving into. The band talked about getting a house or at least one of them getting a place with me, but one wants to live in the party section of town with no free or included parking and far from everything I want to be close to, and the other wants to live in an area on the other side of the city I don't want to be in. Then there is the line of thinking that if I choose one, the other will be pissed, but they probably both will be if I go somewhere else, but I have had the best experiences with total strangers and women for roommates. Women are a little more clean/tidy and better with bills and strangers are on time. With friends people always try to let stuff slide and think it is ok to be late or be short on cash, the world doesn't work that way baby. Long story short, I need a roommate for May 1st, currently looking.

Ok, this has been enough shit, probably could have gone into more detail in some things and this self correcting type has probably fucked me more than it has helped, but here it is, the last bit of my life splayed open for you, my loyal fans, hahaha! I am going to make a better effort at this and to start reading your blogs again, just short in time, work and school and two bands aside from trying to make the gf feel like she matters cause she does and I like being with her more than I like being without her and that is as mushy as I am going to get about it, if she reads this she knows it's about the best compliment I can give her and her opinion s the one that matters on this issue, but if she doesn't think it is good enough, sorry.

Have a safe week all, have some fun, don't die and I will try to get to your stories and tales and let you know what I think of them, just may take a while.

The bitter (and possibly depressed, anxiety ridden, obsessive compulsory, alcoholic, and just plain f'd) Jarhead

much love

alcohol abuse or proactive anxiety prevention part 2. READ PART 1 FIRST

That is the band, we did a photo shoot finally, this is one of the first pictures my bassist/backup singer (left) has had the time to edit and send us. We aren't putting the new pics up on the site till we get some new recordings done with the current line up playing on them (me). I play some of the songs on the site now when we do shows, but we play more of the new stuff we are writing, so if you are in the area and can catch a show, you will here a few songs from the site and some new shit too! Next show is 20 March, I'll post a flier in case anyone is local around then.

So, I am subbed out to another electrical contractor for the time being because my boss has no work, I have been working on a chicken farm in Pembroke, NY and spent the first 7 weeks mostly in the compost barn. This is where they store the chicken shit, rank ass jive, chicken manure is pretty rancid and they were using the barn for the storage of said shit for the last 3 weeks I was working in there. I had a video clip of it, but the quality was pretty bad. The people are decent I work with, but now apparently there is a discrepancy with my hours and I have to go haggle with the boss about it, foreman and I are not sure who fucked up, probably both if us did, an hour one week or another week, but there is one week where we don;t match by 8 hours. So now I look like an asshole who is trying to rip off my boss and have to deal with that shit, fuck me and now I will be worries to the point of stomach cramps about it till Thursday when I go in to talk with my boss about it and start figuring it out, only I haven't kept track, never heard anything in the 3 months I have been working with these guys so thought I was doing things properly. Need a better job, the old lady's old man offered to help me get into the boilermakers union though, 20 an hour to start take home, not a bad gig at all.

The first few weeks I was working on the farm, doing electrical work in the new barns they are building, I was working with this super femenazi chick. Now lets get one thing straight from the beginning, I am totally down with the woman's lib jive, I think it is about goddamn time you chicks got the fuck out of the house and made some scratch. This chick however, just hates men just because they are men and she must have gotten fucked over pretty bad. Every other sentence out of her horse toothed mouth was spewing hate about stupid men and how stupid they are and how smart she is and how she gets shit just because she is a chick. She wants everything both ways, and this is where I find fault with her and anyone like her who pretends to be a feminist. You don't get it both ways, you either get treated like every other guy on the job site, or we tone it down, and play nice around you and treat you like a lady and be chivalrous and all that. Pick one. You don't get the best of both worlds. I will treat you either way, just let me know, but I would rather treat you like an equal and like I treat everyone else. The last straw was when she went on a 20 minute tirade about how the government and corporations were against women in the workforce because a woman's work boot weighed less than a man's because it was made with less quality and women's carhart's are more expensive because she wanted some wee shade of pink ones and they require more material cause you chicks have can's. That is just stupid. We had to sit through her shit and listen to her and suck it up cause if any of us had said anything she told us she had her lawyer on speed dial and would sue the shit out if us, the company, and the owner of the job we were working on. I hate one sided shit , but like having a job...

I am going to apply for the boilermakers next month and see what happens, I may have to give up school for a while if I do get that job, but I will be able to afford my student loans so I could pull it off. I have been having second thoughts about the mechanical engineering thing, sitting in these law classes makes me think I could probably pull off being a lawyer and that would be a cool gig as well. Not sure what to do, law school would probably be a bit easier than an engineering degree, but the engineering degree I can get at night school, law, not so sure. I also plan on moving to Seattle next summer, there are a couple good engineering schools out there and apparently I have some family out there that might be able to help me out. Unless something drastic changes, I am going to head out there next year, I hate Buffalo, it is a dead city and the state if NY is so fucked it is not even funny. The country is fucked as a whole, don;t get me wrong there, but as much as I wanted to never get political with this, I may mention a couple things here tonight.

One of those things is the recent Supreme Court ruling that more or less says that corporation's now count as citizen's and have rights of free speech and can contribute unlimited amounts of money to campaign's. The entire government on every level is now for sale to the highest bidder. Not to mention that a lot of these corporations are multi matronal so that means that there will be a lot of foreign money funding our elections, just seems wrong to me. The gun rights thing is ramping up as well, saw a thing today on the Huffington Post that said Starbucks allows patrons to carry now. Weird, but not sure if I really have a big problem with it. It sounds shocking at first, but we do have the right to own weapons in this country in case the government ever gets out of hand and the people need to rise up and take it down. Should there be limits on it? Of course, I am not some whack-job that thinks everyone should walk around looking like a character from Halo or Doom, but I don't have a problem with people that are responsible and mature enough to have guns to have them within reason. I am not really sure where to draw the lines though, the people that use guns to do ill to others will do it no matter what the laws or regulations and I would not be caught in a position where I could not defend my house and family, if I ever get sucked into having one, haha! Things have gotten to a certain point in this country and now have to be dealt with in certain ways in order to prevent total fucking anarchy, does it suck? Yes, but sometimes it is the lesser of the evils I fear. Onto part 3, the random notes I have made of things I wanted to mention, I will work on learning how to do transitions, I promise, not sure when just bear with me for a while people...

It's not alcoholism, just proactive anxiety prevention, part 1.

Ok, I know it has been a while since I have seen you fuckers and I miss you. I can make excuses and shit, but who really cares? Hopefully some of you will have not forgotten how we survived Nam and the Red Scare together and will lend an ear to an old cohort. This will probably be long as shit and pretty random, I may try to break this up into parts, depending on how much energy (beer) I have tonight. I will attempt not to go off on tangents too bad, but thats why I may break it up into a couple parts, still not sure how long one of these things is supposed to be... any input anyone?

Ok, first and foremost, the market was having a sale on girlfriends, so I picked on up that was last years model, saved a bundle, though she is a little broken, my kind of kid, by last years model I mean we met last year so put the pitchforks down. By broken I mean her butt, in case someone who reads this knows her I won't say what it is, but safe to say, no butt humpin for me. Not that that bothers me, never really cared one way or the other about it, know some dudes that won't shag a broad unless they can drop a load in her ass, not a big deal to me, the other side smells better and is more fun. The end result of this is that there will be no more drunken debauchery stories involving random chicks, there should still be some drunken escapades though, there have been a couple, but havent had the drive or income to do much lately, more on that later. So this chick is ok, we get along pretty good and I dig her. Not sure what else to say about her, she puts up with me and my shit, and her shit isn't too bad so far.

SIDE NOTE - If one mother fucker tells me that this doesn't make sense cause this ended up going into more than one part and they read the wrong part first, I will by the grace of some god hunt you down...

I finally have health insurance, I found out I am still eligible to get some benefits from the VA (Veterans Administration) and though my 5 yrs of free jive has ended, I still am poor enough to get stuff for free this year. Next year I will have to submit my income and see if I still qualify. When I bitch about being broke I mean it, the cutoff for free VA care was somewhere around 29k, I missed it by a good clip, partially due to being on un-enjoyment for 5 months, partly cause I have a shitty job that doesn't pay dick. Anyway, I went in and started running the line of doctors, and for some god forsaken reason, I was being honest with them, mistake number 1. Mistake number 1 came with what I am going to call my overlord of the VA, as far as I figure, it is her job to keep tabs on me and make sure I don't get fucked over too badly, show up to my appointments, and have someone to talk to whenever I need it. (m,w,f,9-4 if available...)

This was on my initial visit and working on background and all that jive. We were talking about sleep and my issues with it, mainly that I don't do it often or well except for the last two months, and thats all I have any inclination to do, even if I don't sleep, I just lay in bed all day unless I have to work or the boss (gf) drags me out of the house and makes me shave and go buy food. So this dame asks me about my sleep and I tell her a little about it and that I can only fall asleep sober in one specific position. She asks me what I mean by falling asleep sober. I almost walk the fuck out and even refrain from telling her that it obviously means when I am not drunk you stupid twat. Didn't think that would get me very far so I said it means exactly what it sounds like, when I am wrecked I can sleep anywhere and anyway, sober, not so much.

After the lecture on R.E.M. sleep and why I am an asshole, she recommends the behavioral science social worker, fuck me, now they think I am crazy, possibly with PTSD and now I have to deal with this shit and people asking me about why I drink so much and am so irritable and pissed off and anti social and sensitive to light and all that crap. I get the smoking lecture as well, and the high blood pressure lecture from the nurse too.

A couple weeks later I go to the social worker, in under 30 minutes this one pegs me with severe anxiety, depression, and obsessive compulsive disorder along with a drinking and tobacco problem. Wow... now I am left to wonder and overanalyze everything I think and do. Am I making an accuse and blaming it on that shit, or am I really some mutant freak? Although since about November, I have been on a pretty steady decline. I see the first real shrink on the 15th of this month, so we shall see. This past week/weekend was one of the worst. I wasn't in a bad mood per se, but I just didn't give a third of a shit about any possible thing in the world. Wish the misses wasn't around to see it, but she got a good helping of it and I felt bad for that. She knew something was up because I wasn't my usual chipper self... She asked what was wrong and I told her I just didn't care about anything at the moment and there was nothing that could make me feel anything for or about anything at that moment. The poor thing thought it was her or her fault so I was worried about that but she even went as far as to say "Well I bet if I blew you right now you would give a fuck." (She always knows just what to say:)) I just shrugged and looked at her and said " yeah I probably would tell you not to waste your time, I just don't care babe, nothing personal and I can't stress that enough, however, I am just that apathetic right now". Instead of calling me a fuck and leaving and gong to get some dick from someone who isn't a prick, she stayed, got bombed with me, didn't talk much, let me win a game of pool, and watched a bunch of weird al videos on youtube and most of Christopher Titus, Norman Rockwell is Bleeding, also on youtube. Couldn't ask for hardly any better of a broad. She didn't make it all through Titus though, fucker. You guys have to check that out, if you haven't, go to youtube and type in that title, it is 9 parts, and one of the best stand up video's ever. Maybe I do need to yak at some witch doctor (shrink) for an hour or so to figure something out, but I thought I was doing ok enough getting plowed and sleeping as much as possible.

Got stuck on the highway on the way to work Friday, 2 hours and 10 minutes without moving cause some dumb southern trucker doesn't realize you can't drive 75 in ice and slush and jack knifed his semi, the pic below is two of my buds from work who were stuck about half a mile behind me. The real bitch of it aside from losing time off the clock? The first tow truck on the way to save the day broke the fuck down... are you fucking kidding me?! Part two to follow... not editing, so forgive grammatical and spelling errors, I am in a hurry and have a lot to talk about, getting much more random from here on out...