Letters to all BUT Cleo...

Dear dude that broke into my neighbor's car sat night,

I hope you are not stupid enough to try to hit his house or car again tonight or mine because there is nothing to barricade between the two. You now have a nightly patrol of two drunk and bitter construction workers with shot guns waiting in an elevated position behind the house waiting for you. I want to thank you for being part of the lower 10% and reaffirming my very bleak outlook on humanity.

Regards,

Kris

Dear all ex girlfriend's of mine,

Why do you feel the need to keep tabs on me and "drop me a line" from time to time to see how I am and then trash talk me behind my back? I am assuming there is or are very good reasons that we broke up. I am also assuming that you don't have any interest in talking to me because I only hear from you once a year when you are drunk or very lonely. If that is the case, buggar off, I have plenty of better ways to waste my own time without you doing it for me.

See you in hell,

Kris

Dear black wasp that looks bluish in the sunlight,

I hate you, do you know how much I hate you? More than I can express here in this letter. If I ever, EVER get my hands on you, I will make sure you die a very slow and painful death. Don't even think about stinging me either, I know what you pack and I have some very flammable aerosol cans, oily rags, and a lighter. I will find you and your entire family/hive and roast them like a fucking marshmallow.

Best wishes,

Kris

Dear Boss,

Fuck. You.

Warm wishes,

Kris

Dear guy who sells drugs on his front porch across the street from me,

Stop it you fucktard, even you cannot be that stupid to think everyone doesn't know it. I know you and your white rash queen girlfriend who is only with you because your ugly mug sells drugs think you are pimp's or whatever the kids call it these days, but one of these days you will piss me off and then I wouldn't be surprised to see the cops knocking your front door in the next night.

Sincerely,

Kris

Dear fat chick I saw today with the mini skirt and spandex top that let your beer gut pop out underneath it,

Stop it.

Yours truly not ever,

kris

Dear Head dude on my current job site,

We both know my boss is a douchebag, but don't make my job any harder because of it. Your attention on this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

Kris

Dear Facebook,

Why are you nothing more than another email to check? Do you really think I care that someone that friended me 3 years ago and has never talked to me just "got back from shopping!! Whew!!!" ? Go fuck yourself.

Your mindless slave in email,

Kris

Dear cat,

You are a very weird little kitten, why do you attack nothing and then pretend like nothing happened when you see me looking at you? Uncross your eyes, your face will freeze like that someday.

From,

Kris

Dear V.A.Chick,

If you are so goddamned intent on talking to me once a month then how about you try answering your mother fucking phone or lessening to a voicemail and returning it sometime.

Sincerely,

Kris

Dear United States of America,

When will you stop this stupid little tantrum you are throwing and just go along with the damn metric system? You do know there are only about 2 other countries still doing this, right? What are you trying to prove? Or are there just too many illiterate fucks in this country that cannot wrap their drug addled minds around the concept of the number ten?

Oh, and Happy Birthday this weekend too. I gave you eight years of my life in the service, now it's time you do this one small favor for me.

Regards,

Kris

Dear V.A. college tuition thingy place,

Fuck you, you stole half my money for school and I hope you all rot in the worst place your religion allows for all eternity.

Sincerely,

Kris

Dear Buffalo State advisor,

If you really want me to come in for a meeting, then return an email or a phone call, you prick. I told you I cannot do what you told me to do because I need someone higher up than I to force some things or at least have them entered into the computer correctly. I will be at your office in sometime in the next couple weeks and so help me, you better have some fucking answers and solutions for me.

Happy holidays

Kris

Dear migrant workers framing the building I am working in,

Stop stealing our ladders and tools. I know you speak English, I hear you doing it. Don't pretend you have no clue what I am saying when I ask for my shit back or I will call INS and have your worthless ass deported.

From the desk of,

Kris

Dear landlord,

It has been 4 weeks, FIX THE DAMN SINK IN THE HALF BATH YOU BITCH!!! Don't make me enlist the help of child protective services to clean out that filthy hovel across the street from me you slither around in with two 15 watt lightbulbs lighting up the entire place except for what appears to be a grow room in the attic.

You suck,

Kris

Dear women who wear sundresses in the summer,

I love you.

Warmest wishes,

Kris

Dear kids who turn their bass up so loud the only thing you hear is the license plate rattling,

Do you have any idea how much of an asshole you are? I don't want to have to put my window up at a red light because you are an inconsiderate piss ant. If the prison term were short enough, I would shoot you in the face.

Sincerely,

Kris

ps. Pull up your fucking pants too.

Dear Internet,

What the fuck? Kudos on red tube, but why for the love of it all do you let half of these retards post thins on you tube? I enjoy watching a lot of your content, but for fuck's sake, do you have any idea the stupid shit people put on there?

Yours truly,

Kris

Dear people that have more than 4 kids,

Why? I know you like to shag, but come on! I am not one to want to dictate reproduction, but if you can't afford to have kids, don't.

Die, die, die,

Kris

Dear fish in Lake Erie,

I feed you more than I should, help a brother out! I don;t want to resort to using M-80's, but I will. Do not force my hand on this issue.

Regards,

Kris

Dear homeless guy who steals empty bottles and cans from my porch,

You are an ass. You know, if you just asked, I probably would have just given them to you, but now I am contemplating buying a metal refuse bin to replace the plastic one where I currently keep empties on my front porch and wiring it to zap your ass to Timbucktoo. There is no need to come onto my porch and root through the bin. I might just put some razor blades in there, just my little way of saying "Welcome to the neighborhood". :)

Good luck,

Kris

Dear readers,

Thank you for putting up with my shit, rants, and incessant bitching the past year. I hope you are getting a good laugh once in a while or are at least mildly amused. I'm sorry I don't read your blogs as much as I should and sorry I stopped posting regularly. I will attend to these issues as best I can. The few who comment do hold a tiny piece of my heart and I appreciate your comments and reading. I wish I could throw a party and invite you all for grilling and drinks. I will be in Kansas City on Halloween weekend this year for a football game, and to party my dick off. If anyone will be in the area, hit me up and we will drink much and have many more laughs.

See you cats next week,

Kris