Fuck two thousand and swine

Don't know how to get music on here, so if possible and able, put the song "Life of Mine" from Five.Bolt.Main in the background as you read this to set the mood:)

Here I sit on Saturday morning, rather stand as I am in my office (basement) with a pot of coffee strong enough that my friend had to water it down (score 1 for me, seriously, this shit will pucker your asshole instantly, great shit.) and two sips had me running for the washroom to lose a few pounds of Christmas cookies. I have a pack of smokes, no hangover, the house to myself for the weekend, and an empty bed, I sure know how to fucking party, eh? Last night I got home from festivities around 1500 and played video games until 0000, had one and a half beers and talked to my cat about the year in review.

This is my new beer coozy, think it may be my new profile picture, I'll put it to a vote here, if the votes for yea outnumber the nay's it stays.

This is what 2000 and swine did to me, I am the deer on the left...

Like my partner in functional alcoholism V, the first few moments of new years eve stuff sucked fetid donkey balls. (cap's left off because I hate it that much) I was with the the girl I was dating at the time, the super hippie from Toronto, guess she couldn't find a date for the night. I had just gotten laid off a week before x-mas, and was stone sober because she didn't like booze of any kind. We sat on the couch and watched the ball drop, she didn't even kiss me, we went to bed and no play time for the white kid either:( She snored and hogged the covers too, bitch... The spring semester was hard and I didn't find a job until the end of May. I spent the summer drunk which was ok, playing with my two new bands and slowly realizing my new job sucked more than a hooker on pay day. Had a small hope that the tour my band was supposed to go on for 7 weeks would be the vacation and adventure I needed for my sanity and to punish my liver for burning dinner the week before... Well two weeks before it went off, after I had dropped school for the semester and all that, the band who shall remain nameless so I don't get sued, freaked out that we were going to make a measly 150 a show and get our rider of food and a hotel room. The two guys that bitched would have lost about 35 bucks a night with us getting paid. We were told we were now doing 7 weeks on the road for free and we should be lucky that we didn't have to pay them to play each show. They are a good band, they used to be kinda big, sort of... They don't warrant a pay to play tour, especially since we (my band I wasn't in the band for last years tour) toured with them last year and got paid, we are a national touring band for fuck sake, not as big as they are, but still in the same category, we are signed to a record label and have a fan base around the country for all intensive purposes. We did not go. My life has sucked immensely since tour was supposed to happen, my car broke down, had to borrow money and not pay bills to get it fixed, from me letting other people use my stuff at the open mic my other band hosts, I have $500 of shit to replace that I cannot afford and an important show tonight, my phone went for a swim (more on that later), and everything in general has just sucked. I can't help but think things would not have been so shitty had I been on the road, I also would have gotten to possibly meet and have beers with some of you hip cats and kittens, the three of you who read this dribble, ha ha ha! Had a good prospect on a new job, didn't go in my favour and went through one psycho bitch after another, each more fucked up than the last. And I cut my nipple shaving once over the summer too, hurt worse than getting it pierced.

This year for new years, I may have a gig, opening slot so I will be sweaty, half drunk, and downtown with 3000 worth of drums in my car on the night with the most crime, cops, and retards out imaginable. Gig probably won't happen, hope it doesn't, but the only offer I have so far is to go hang out with a skirt I can't fuck in a place where I can't get drunk. I have a show in Erie, PA on the first at night, so I can only drink till about 6am, but that isn't a problem, though I will probably just sit at the house and play a game that lets me knife people in the kidney's. I will be on the beer however, a couple of you may get drunk dialed/texted, but probably not, cause I have done it a couple times and no one is up or bored by the time I get housed, I don't call ex's and whine, I call random people and try to tell jokes or at least be entertaining, not sure if it works, ha ha ha! As far as a resolution goes? Not sure, not going to do the stupid hippie jive everyone else does, " I want to not be a fat fuck", or "I want world peace and babies not to cry", or "I am going to do this year for me", ect, fuck that shit, it is all just talk. A bunch of pathetic whining that never gets accomplished anyway. I guess I will just try to stay away from the psycho's and dick bags that made this last year so unrelentingly miserable.

So, last weekend I went to an ugly sweater party, it was a small crowd and really nice and cool people, hope I didn't make an ass out of myself and they would hang out with me again, I caught this one broad peepin me most the night, but her bud told me she is dating someone, wonder why that never came up when we were chatting, ha ha ha! Oh well, back into the pond. I was peeled and after about 13 beers, I was out and had to switch to Jack, my arch nemesis, I hate Jack more than I hate the homeless 22 yr old Nam vet who is better dressed than I am asking me for money outside of Walmart. That kid will die by my hand one day, and I promise it will be slow and painful and I will be laughing my dick off the entire time. By about my third mug of Jack, I think I remember my phone slipping out of my hand and into said beverage, fail. We ended up going to the local scissor hut after the party for a friend of a friends birthday party, I was still capable of coherent conversation too! Is it bad that even on 13 beers and a half bottle of Jack that people don't believe I am drunk? Instead of chasing tail with the other guys, my dumb ass spent an hour sitting outside chain smoking and talking to this dame about how to get the girl she liked to notice her. I should just hang my hat up now and become a fucking Eunic or however the sex you spell it. (mac dictionary has failed me again which means I am not even close!) I went to the T-mobile store the next morning after about 4 hours of sleep and a slight headache, the guy asks me what happened cause it has water damage. I told him what I remember and he asked if it was me that had booze scented cologne on. I told him how much I had imbibed the prior evening and he was astonished, not a good sign:) 130 fucking dollars to replace this hippie ass piece of shit phone WITH FUCKING INSURANCE!!! Well the 100 I had for x-mas shopping was gone, I officially suck. My mom saved the day by sending me a couple things to wrap for my sister's fuck trophies and my grandmother so I didn't look like a complete shit heel. She also replaced my drum tuner for xmas, it was "lost" earlier in the year but the guy that "didn't steal it and doesn't know anything about it" off'd himself so I can't bitch anymore... fucker.

Hoping to get some good pictures from the show tonight, rumor of an after party, not sure if it is true. Supposed to be a good crowd and a lot of people seem genuinely interested in the guitar raffle, we are autographing it for the winner at their request, hope it goes well, the proceeds from it are going towards our new PA.

My boss ran out of work/money so he loaned me to another company for a few weeks, going to see if they will hire me, but they probably won't since this group of electrical contractors work together and share employee's when needed. It is a bigger and better company though. I got back into school for January, have to do fin aid, and hope there are still some useful classes left open.

Have a good weekend everyone, be safe, but have a shit ton of fun, I look forward to reading/hearing about it!

Cheers,

The bitter Jarhead

Put some fucking pants on you slag!

I thought of a new pick up line I wanted to test here because none of the three of you are close enough to punch me in the face for it in the event that it sucks... here goes. "Hey, want to eat, drink, or fuck together sometime?" This may be the line that lands me my dream girl, Weird Al described her very well in a song called "Close, but no cigar". A world famous billionaire bikini supermodel astrophysicist. Hip tune, check it out.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtMU8nvZzOs Hope the video works ok, but the audio was good on my witchcraft box...

I didn't do shit this past weekend so no horror stories, I skipped town and hid out at a friends house. I had to cook dinner and help clean, but I didn't have to talk to anyone or do fuck else and it was awesome. Kind of sucks she has a couple of fuck trophies, though methinks she is a little too religious for my taste in the long term and she is a sweet kid and deserves someone a little better off and on the same level as her. She is a cool friend and stuff though. This may end up being short but I do have a couple of things I would like to touch on as well as my first segment that I hope to make a consistent weekly thing I will unveil at towards the end. I am uploading a video, hope the quality is ok, I took it on my phone at work. If it is decent, I will try to do one a week of something cool of annoying:)

I submitted my application to re-enter school, do a semester at UB then applying to Buff State since they offer mechanical engineering at night and JewB doesn't. I wonder if I should be in a hurry to grow up or if I should just let things take their course. I mean I am 28 now and one foot in the grave, but come on, I am kind of glad I am not tied down with kids and a house and shit, I can still go play with my bands and have fun and don't have to answer to anyone for anything. I seem to notice most people my age have a career and all that shit though... I am a work in progress it seems, it is probably a good thing I don't have kids or a significant other currently, I couldn't afford either and I can barely take care of my own ass and keep myself out of trouble. Speaking of which, I am going to my first private party Friday night, yes thats how pathetic my life is, 28 and my first big party, hahaha! A local radio cat is hosting it, he has become a bud of mine through the metal band. It is an ugly sweater party, I have to go buy some nasty looking xmas sweater and wear it,m but there should be lots of booze and broads... Maybe I can have a stimulating conversation with a nice girl, and by that I mean some freaky drunken hate sex.

As long as we are on the subject of dames, I pose a question to both dudes and chicks. If you were toe opposite sex for a day, what would you do? I don't expect anyone to admit their answers to me, but I will share mine since I am that easily amused. I probably wouldn't get out of bed before noon because I would be enamored with my cans. I would probably just poke one and giggle at it over and over again then bitch cause they got in the way every time I moved or tried to pick something up. They are cool, and god bless you ladies for slingin them things around, but I am glad I don't have them myself. However, that is no excuse for you not to wear fucking pants. I cringe every time I see someone at school or out in public in their goddamned pajama pants or sweats, I mean come on, at least have the common courtesy to put some clothes on that you didn't sleep in. I am not saying I know sex about shit when it comes to fashion, some of you know this first hand:), but come on, I am about as unmotivated as it gets some days and I still put clean real clothes on when I leave the house. I own a couple pair of pajama pants and wear them at the house or if I am at someone else's piece and hanging out for the night watching movies and whatnot, but I don't put them on until I am there. At least track pants are real clothes and it makes people think you could be on the way to or from the gym...

My transitions suck tonight and for that I apologize, but if you are still here then lets fucking rock! My mind is all over the place tonight and I don't have enough booze in me to focus on one thing at a time yet so deal with it. I thought of a new slogan for my cover band, something to put right under the name when I get around to learning how to and actually re-making the website. it will read as such... "Zazz Blammymatazz... Lock up your fucking daughters!" My bass player loved it and it made me smile.

I received a huge shout out from my newest blogging friend Spanky. Her blog is called Spanky loves it, and is definitely worth a read, she likes Twatlight, but is still a hip chick. She told me I remind her of most of her ex's, that made me laugh as well as sit back and think, "Wow, pissed one off I have never even met... that is a new one." I know I am bad at the relationship game, but fuck, that is a new way to fail. However, big ups to Spank-a-tronic for the shout out!

I have been told by some people that I complain too much, first of all, Fuck you. Second, well, thats all I have. Not really, I do complain, I try to be humorous about it most of the time, but I think a lot of it comes from my time in the military. We complained and it kept us busy and helped us deal. I remember a few times during the war when food was slightly scarce and we were sitting around bitching that we were hungry. Shortly thereafter we had more MRE's delivered and tossed the case aside yelling about how we would rather starve than eat that shit... then we ate it:( Small example, but the point is this- I bitch alot, more than most and maybe too much, however, comma, pause for effect, as long as I can find something to bitch about, (and I will!) then everything is ok. Once shit gets bad enough that I can't even complain about anything, there is a clock tower awaiting V and I with a bottle of whiskey, bottle of vodka, and a couple rifles to begin the cleansing of all the mouth breathing fuck-tards.

Now, before I close I want to unveil my new section, I have named it "People I hope get raped by a rabid wombat". This weeks winner is that hypocritical, corn shucking, ass bag, Scott Stapp from Creed. I was so happy when they broke up, I though to myself, "Creed is gone, don't have to hear their shit music evermore!" But then the two factions each made their own band...

that both sounded JUST LIKE FUCKING CREED!!!!!!! Fuck?!?!?! I tore half of my hair out and strangled a hooker just to get over it. I stopped listening to radio, half because of that. Now those dick bags are back at it, and now he is bald I heard, what a fucking tool bag. I can't even think of a fate horrible enough for him, but I am trying.

I shall return soon, should have some good stories from the party this weekend, maybe I can find some trouble to get into Saturday night as well! Have a good week all, stay warm and safe, have a shit ton of fun and remember to fucking smile or laugh at something, it will keep you sane. Also if you need a laugh, I recommend a couple of podcast's that you can find in the Itunes store. Sick and Wrong, Vomitus Prime, and the Pissed off World of Uncle Hal Radio Show.

Cheers,

Kris

Take your happy-go-lucky motivational speech about rainbows and sunshine and shove it up your ass...

Sorry for the delay, had some shit go down, I guess I'll start at the end and work back from there for the most part whilst trying to not be too random with a few other things so here goes...

Snow day at work today, it's 10 Dec, anyone in the North East knows what is goin down. Wish I was at work though, need the money, but didn't want to be outside all day in a foot or so of snow with temperatures hovering around 2 degrees fucking Kelvin. However, it gives me time to catch up on your blogs as well as write mine, sorry I have been absent friends. I had a bit of a meltdown the other day that fueled most of this, it stared last week.

I decided I hate my job, does this look like what a goddamned electrician does?!

I spent last week building signs for property my boss buys and wants to try to flip and learning a bit about changing shocks on a 61 mustang (think it's a 61, don't know sex about shit when it comes to cars...) Anyway, a week ago Sunday I decided to look for better jobs, something inside and more clean and nice with benefits maybe, if thats not too much to ask. I applied at Bank of America, a friend of mine works there and was helping me along with Red and another friend of mine with my resume, cover letter, and picking out something to wear for the interview. I submitted my application and within 12 hours I had an offer to take the online test to see if you would be any good at the collections job. Smoked the test, it was an hour long and you weren't supposed to finish, my time? 32 minutes fucking flat, suck it. Blew through the phone interview in 6 minutes and was offered a real interview for Monday the 7th. Knocked that out of the water. Tue went back for final interview... this cock sucker took one look at my resume and didn't want to listen to a word that came out of my mouth. He told me that there was nothing in my resume that qualified me in any way shape or form to do any aspect of this job that dealt with teamwork, stress, and people management along with being good with people. Noting? What about the 7 years in the Marines where I spent 6 months living in an M1-A1 fucking tank?! On a crew of 4 people, that takes some team work to stay alive, that could be a little stressful when PEOPLE ARE FUCKING SHOOTING AT YOU!!!!! Or how about when I as an E-4 was doing the job of someone 3 years ahead of me AND the job of someone with a 4 yr degree at the same time as doing my own job? Thats not people skills? Thats not getting shit done and managing my time and people? Fuck you, you piece of shit. Tuesday was the last straw for me, I left my house in a $1000 suit with a hope and a fucking dream, how stupid of me, but goddamn I do clean up pretty nice...

Yes, I did take out all of my piercings and was clean shaven when I went in, two hours later...

Add carharts, snow, cold, and me being soaked through and picking up scrap metal out of said snow for my boss at some house he bought for 8k that will take 50 to fix before he moves the house and garage to the other side of the lot... the yard is full of garbage and scrap metal and he wanted us to gather it up, what a change of pace eh? I received the "go to hell" email less than two hours after I left the bank, how did I make it so far so easily and then just get blown off? I spent a good amount of money getting ready and missing time from work that is unpaid for all these interviews too, pig. Oh well, keep looking I suppose. That change and that day just dropped the last shred of hope that I had though, I left work and told a couple people not to look for me and grabbed a case and a couple packs of smokes, went to my office (basement), turned my phone off, and did some work (got fucked up). Turned my phone back on after a few hours to vent to a couple people and saw 12 calls, 5 voice mails, and 10 texts from my bands pissed cause they couldn't get a hold of me. Ignored them all and called a buddy who let me bitch for a bit, but after 45 min of me yelling at him, pretending he was everyone I was pissed at he got sick of it and had to go, hahaha!

By about midnight or so, I was pretty worn out, and not so much pissed as much as just defeated. Wednesday was a little better, just completely apathetic about everything, I realized I am so stressed about money, work, bills, broads, bands, and everything else, that I get no enjoyment out of anything anymore, not even the stuff I normally love, music and booze, and friends. Everything seems to be an exercise in futility. Today is Thursday and I am a little better, just more bummed, but hoping I can keep looking for a new job, sick of construction, but no one in an office or anything wants to take a chance on a stupid construction worker who is x military. A couple people expressed genuine concern, a few pretended to care until they realized I wasn't dead, and then back to the same old shit once I was found to be ok enough to be of use to them.

Why does it seem that everyone has a hidden agenda? Are there no real friends anymore that would do something for the sake that they aren't an asshole? There are a few of you excluded from this and you know who you are, but for the most part it seems more of a friendship of usefulness, once they can't get anything out of you they stop wanting to hang out. Whatever, you will be weeded out and dealt with accordingly.

I do have a good story from the weekend... Saturday I went out for the first time in quite a while, didn't have much cash so I started at the practice space with a friend and we started drinking... hard. 2 hours later we went back to his place to get ready to leave and his mom did a few shots of brandy with me. I am currently at 12 beers and two glasses of brandy, lol. We hit the bar with another acquaintance. Come to find out, he wants to nail some chick who is a friend of mine, hadn't known before that, and he was pissed. Threw a bunch of shit at me and told me some nasty shit about the situation and got me kind of worked up, we left for another bar and then this scumbag ditches me in the middle of the city. I don't venture into downtown Buffalo often, don't know my way around too well, especially drunk and at night. My friend was apparently still at the bar and didn't know what had happened. I wandered around for an hour in the freezing cold and finally collapsed in a hotel lobby, was told to leave and flipped a dude off then started puking and passed out. Woken up by a cop some 30-60 minutes later who asked what the fuck I was doing there, I told him I didn't know, didn't know where I was because I am new to the city, was ditched by a "buddy" and was fucked up. Then my friend texted me and asked where the hell I was and why I had been gone for over an hour, (convenient timing I think, but maybe I am too paranoid...) so I told the cop what bar he was at and that he was my ride and instead of going to jail, I get a ride back to the bar and a piece of fucking gum! Tell me I don't have people skills, I dare you... Went back into the bar and continued to drink because I am that smart. I find out yesterday that the reason I still had the 25 in my wallet was because I used my card a couple times, though I suspect that the one dude had my wallet and when he handed me "his" card to buy me a drink cause he's a nice guy, he was fucking me dry. I never use my card, especially if I have money, apparently I was nice enough to buy slices after the bar closed as well... you motherfucking waste of sperm. Safe to say if I see that one fucktard again, I am probably going to shove a railroad spike straight down his fucking piss hole and chop off a couple of his fucking fingers. I may not extract my revenge from him, haven't decided yet, but if I do, stand the fuck by...

On a lighter not, the cover band played a couple weeks ago and we ended up with our first review! It was glowing, but it was on craigslist... what the hell? The dude loved us and said to check us out whenever we play and that we are a lot of fun. We were fucked up, and we did have fun, our cover band is more about good times and fun than anything else, we play 90's grunge and we are all pretty good musicians so we can play those easy tunes and fuck with each other while hammered:) Zazz Blammymatazz, my cover band, is a load of fun, the stress isn't there like in DisplaceD, we don't have a record label breathing down our necks to hurry and finish our new album so we can tour again.

Speaking of my metal band, to anyone in the area, 26 Dec we are playing a big show at a newly revamped and re-themed (insert proper word there) metal bar called Broadway Joe's. New sound system and stuff, we are doing a signed guitar raffle and have a couple of other cool bands opening for us. We also hired the best light guy in the tri-state area to put the icing on the cake for the show. It will be a blast if your in town, let me know, there are a couple spots on the guest list available and I am single so don't have anyone on there yet. We are also playing in Erie, PA on Friday, 1 January, supposed to be another great show so feel free to stop on in to either and have a beer with us! www.myspace.com/displaced We have one or two brand new songs we will be playing that will be on the new album coming out sometime in 2010.

More randomness, no good segue's left just some random notes I made over the last week or so I want to touch on. You cat's know I hate dealing with religion and politics here, however it is worth mentioning that the gay marriage thingy was shot down in New York. People are so scared of something and I don't get it, who the shit cares if they get married? For all those people like Jabba the Rush who complain about the sanctity of marriage, mother fucker, your on your fourth one, you fat, drug riddled, stupid piece of shit. You'll be rotting in hell, if it exists, before anyone else. While we are touching on fat people, sometimes I wish I was a fat fuck, then I could wear shorts all winter long and not be cold. I get a huge kick out of seeing these folks when it is below freezing out and they are waddling around in shorts like it's 30 years in the future and global warming has eradicated winter and the coastline. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm glad I'm not fat, not like I am the most in shape person, but I at least take moderate care of myself because I am not lazy. Granted, there are about 3% of people who are over weight who are actually medically buggared, but the rest are just lazy. If your offended, I don't care, probably means your one of them, I set my mind to it and lost weight when I started getting a gut a few years ago, if I can get something accomplished for my absent minded, easily distracted self, anyone can.

A couple of weeks ago at open mic, this kid came up to me when I ventured outside for a smoke and stared free-styling for about 4 minutes straight right in my face, anyone else ever have this happen? I wanted to cut his tongue out with my beer bottle, fuck I hate those people. If I wanted to hear shitty poetry and you brag about how great you think you are, how bad you are, and how much your lying about your ability to please skanky crackhead women and how big you want me to believe your prick is, I would go to a hip hop joint, not a fucking hard rock/metal bar for a musical open mic. I especially hate people who deliberately try to fake accents or ways of speaking that are completely unnatural and it is glaringly obvious. Although I thought of something that made me laugh along the lines of accents... If you say the phrase "thrill of the hunt" with that throaty middle eastern/Israeli thing that I can't do but sounds like hacking up a loogey, the last word sounds delightfully filthy and makes me giggle:) Yes I am that easily amused, sorry to those of you who thought I was a deep person, hahaha! I also am still getting the biggest kick out of facebook now that I switched the language to have my whole page in Pirate. It's in your language options on the bottom left on the home/news page. Go into the English part and look for Pirate, it is funny as shit.

Last note, my friend Red has launched a new blog about traveling and stuff and it is def worth a read, the link is http://www.cacdicedoestheworld.com

Hope everyone has a good rest of the week and weekend, I am skipping town for the weekend to a place with little to no reception and no interweb to chill out for a bit. Be safe, have fun, and come back with good stories!

Cheers and stay warm,

Kris